I wish I could stop paying credit card debt and stop worrying about it.
People in debt know this fantasy well. But in reality, it’s hard to imagine the former without the latter.
Financial stress can bring out our vulnerabilities. We can feel immense worry, shame and fear when confronting mounting balances. But Certified Financial Therapist (CFT-I™) Nathan Astle says that overcoming these feelings is key to changing the psychological reasons for overspending — and forging a path to financial stability.
“Debt is something you have, not something you are,” says Nate. “And learning to separate our sense of self from the financial situation we’re in is the big goal,”
Nate has worked with clients at Accredited Debt Relief for over two years. Along with fellow counselor, Dr. Erika Rasure, Nate hosts complimentary group financial therapy group sessions for clients.
“Debt is something you have, not something you are”
— Nate Astle, CFT-I™
We’re lucky to have them. Nate is one of only about 100 certified financial therapists nation-wide. Dr. Rasure holds a PhD in Financial Planning. That means they’re both exceptionally equipped to support people who are working to become financially stable.
“Accredited Debt Relief is ahead of the curve in so many ways,” Nate says. “I can make an impact here in a way I never could in an individual practice.”
Nate’s writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and, most recently, Psychology Today. In a career spent working with people who have financial problems, he has some insights into why debt happens — and how to deal with its emotional impact on our lives and relationships.
Financial Wellness Tip #1: Open Up
Nate says the best first step to confronting financial stress is talking to someone about it.
“Humans aren’t built to do things by ourselves. We do better when we have people on our side,” he says. “Our group sessions are often the first instance that clients are able to acknowledge their experience with money. It can be very intense, but also very healing.”
Humans aren’t built to do things by ourselves. We do better when we have people on our side.
Nate has heard debt stories from thousands of people over the years. And they all share one key emotion:
“Shame. Debt is perceived as very shameful. It’s scary, and it’s not something people want to talk about with others. They might talk about something positive — like a raise at work — but debt is super taboo,” says Nate.
Finding someone to talk to can help you come to terms with your situation, Nate says. Voicing a financial burden can help you take accountability and begin making a plan.
Financial Wellness Tip #2: Make Kindness a Priority
Opening up about financial anxiety shouldn’t become an opportunity to beat up on yourself.
“Shame is a short-term motivator with long-term consequences,” he continues. “When we use shame-based techniques to change a behavior, all it ends up doing is making us feel like crap. It ruins our mental health and our motivation.”
“If we don’t see ourselves as valuable and worthy of change, it’s hard to find the long-term motivation to keep up that ‘good’ behavior brought about by shame. We have to begin seeing ourselves as smart, good, kind-hearted, intentional people who sometimes make bad decisions.”
Shame is a short-term motivator with long-term consequences.
But Nate is careful to show how guilt can be a useful feeling, as compared to shame.
“Guilt is a natural feeling that happens when we act outside our values. Guilt, although uncomfortable, can motivate accountability,” he says.
Nate says that as you tap into your emotions around money, remember to silence critical internal voices. When you start seeing yourself as worthy of change, you might find that your goals become easier to achieve.
Financial Wellness Tip #3: Plan for Reality
Knowing yourself and noticing your patterns are crucial to changing your behaviors during periods of financial stress.
“It’s a process we call deconstruction. It’s when we take what we’ve learned — or thought we’ve learned — and begin deconstructing those beliefs. We ask questions like, ‘Are our beliefs about ourselves fair, true and good?’”
Debt is not a permanent state — it’s just a state you’re in right now.
“So much of our financial behavior is dependent on our emotional state,” Nate continues. “And that goes for people who don’t have debt, too: We try to find financial solutions to emotional problems. During our sessions, we build skills to deal with those uncomfortable feelings instead.”
These small steps are rooted in mindfulness, a practice of non-judgemental emotional evaluation. To Nate, that could be a deep breathing exercise before a financially-stressful activity, like grocery shopping or checking an account balance.
“Debt is not a permanent state — it’s just a state you’re in right now,” he says.
With the right resources, real change is possible
Nate has seen these skills at work in Accredited Debt Relief’s group sessions, and the transformations have been astonishing.
“There was this woman who got scammed by a lover. She was in a lot of debt, and felt so depressed and ashamed about it,” he says. “But when she joined the program, she found this supportive, encouraging community. Over time, she’s blossomed. She’s forgiven herself, and she’s in a much healthier place with her finances.”
“She’s so encouraging when she speaks in a session now — it’s inspirational to compare where she was to where she is now. I love seeing people change over time.”
Group sessions do more than give clients a place to tell their stories and open up about financial stress. They’ve become venues for people to cheer each other on every week.
“Shame thrives in isolation. We try to create a place to be real about money, where you can be vulnerable and admit how hard things are,” Nate says. “Watching all the encouragement in the chat makes it feel like our own little village. That’s healing.”
The work Nate’s been able to do with Accredited Debt Relief has been personally gratifying. It’s also contextualized the importance of financial therapy for people working to overcome money problems.
“I’m a small piece of something much bigger,” he says. “We create a space for financial healing, but the work happens within the individual. It’s profound to watch people realize that the taboo of debt no longer needs to have a home in their lives.”
Interview has been edited for accuracy and length.